got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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