I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
