I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
