atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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