I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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