Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize