I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
