oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
