I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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