I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It was confusing and full of hummus
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
