well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
