Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
