Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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