Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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