i need an iv and a liver transplant
it's like iHOP with fire
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
