Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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