how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
We are two peas in an std pod
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize