I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
