I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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