This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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