Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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