wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
