I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
