finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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