I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
