fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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