Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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