In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
