sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
