And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
