We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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