i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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