R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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