The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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