i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
