I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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