I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
