we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We left the knife in your bed.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
