She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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