I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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