Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
