Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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