Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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