So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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