i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Nobody cheats on THIS.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize