I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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