This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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