i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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