Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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