So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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