Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
