The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
