Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
