friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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