woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
