He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
