I looked at my own cervix.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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