My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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