maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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