She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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