so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
