I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize