can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
